CLIENTS STORIES

A mortgage a stressful job, three kids, all different stages in life, clients to manage, bills to pay and Claire looking forward to a couples retreat straight out of America, with a Cheshire Housewife and her nutritional friend, what’s not to like, all of it I thought. I never really think about a holiday until the week before let alone a couple’s retreat. One couple I had never met, which immediately turned my masculinity up a notch. The agenda was forwarded by WhatsApp from Charlotte two days before the retreat, that’s when I thought shit, I’m going on this. I told everyone that I wasn’t looking forward to it and they laughed at me, some made jokes of not being able to smoke or drink alcohol at the weekend and if my anxiety wasn’t already high, I was missing a stag do on the Saturday. Truth be told, I had already ventured into Wayne Dyer and Terence Mckenna before, did a bit of meditation but couldn’t stop my mind wandering. I believed in the universe, but I just couldn’t get back to centre. Anxiety and fear for work, money and self-loathing had crept in, especially during winter. The weight had piled on. I was just hoping that this unknown couple was as fat as me, ideally the guy’s hair was also receding. I went to work on the Friday, rushed around like a lunatic, Claire had already done the packing and sorted the kids out. We were going in Charlotte and Craigs car which I already had anxiety about because I wouldn’t be able to go out in the car if things got too much when we were there. I had it all planned out. ‘I’m just nipping to the shop’, or ‘I need to find the nearest electrical hook up for the car’. Nope that was taken away from me too. Brilliant, just brilliant. Off we went in the car, Craig driving, Charlotte in the passenger seat and me and Claire in the backseats with the suitcases in the boot and the guitar on our knees. I needed the guitar because that became my comfort after those shocking lock downs, I latched onto it like a grubby teddy the way a child would. I checked my pulse on my watch before we left, 98 beats per minute, bloody hell, I was only sitting in the back of a car. After a cheeky Nando’s, we got to the destination, a house over an estate agent with a side entrance under a ginnel. Claire had drummed up Leanne a little bit just by saying she was a celebrity. If I wasn’t anxious before I went, I was at this point. A house that we must share with an unknown couple, where was the house on the farm, where would I go if I wanted to get out. No thanks, not for me. I can’t remember who it was who said ‘that’s Leanne’ before we got out of the car because I was caught up in the fear, but we all got out of the car and met her outside the estate agents. After everyone greeted her in the most normal way it was my turn. She went in for a hug and I followed suit, I didn’t know how they did it in the celebrity world, but I thought it was standard to kiss on the cheek, so I went in for a hug and kissed her ear. From bad to very fucking bad. I felt the hairs rise on my back and the itch started. I can’t really remember much after the formalities, my next memory was arriving in our bedrooms, two separate beds located either side of the room, Craig and charlotte in the big bedroom with an en suite at the front and the unknown couple’s bedroom next to theirs at the front with a separate bathroom opposite their room. They hadn’t arrived yet and I already felt the guilt in taking the second largest bedroom. I siad to Claire that we should swap, she was having none of it (Hamish and Anna if you are reading this, honestly Claire didn’t want to swap………honestly). After chucking the cases in I waited impatiently on the landing for about 10 seconds before Claire, Charlotte and Craig came out, we then walked in unison down the stairs, kitchen on our left with a woman with blond hair smiling radiantly in the kitchen, that was Sophie. I can’t remember whether I kissed her ear, shook her hand, my senses were in overload. There was a smell that I remembered as a kid growing up in the Nineties, I couldn’t put my finger on it until I saw the stick burning in the living room, incense. I had met a practicing witch back in the day, lived in a house full of crystals on the estate where I grew up, odd woman, never had a T.V. and wore hippy clothes. Crystal balls stupidly placed in ornaments that shouldn’t have been there. We were told to stay away from her because she was weird. I sat down on the L shaped sofa facing the windows in the front room above the estate agents, Claire, Charlotte and Criag claimed their own chairs away from me. In comes Leanne and Sophie. They sat on the windowsill together almost directly opposite me. We made some small talk, I have a tendency to overtalk and try to be everyone’s friend when I’m nervous, I’m almost certain I was doing that, but I can’t remember. We were handed folders to look at which I immediately pretended to read whilst nodding my head to a conversation I knew nothing about. I tried to make an awkward joke when following Sophies lead. She apologised for the size of the folder because of the pages that were rattling around that could have filled a small A4 paper folder. I basically repeated what she said, and they both smiled. It wasn’t funny but they still smiled, put me marginally at ease until Craigs phone went and said it was Hamish outside. Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!, please be bald, please don’t be taller than me and please be fatter than me. I presumed he was foreign with his name. There he was a towering stature of a man, with brown hair, glasses, white teeth and a muscly build. He looked like Clarke Kent only taller. Anna matched to his stature, smaller in height but nevertheless younger and equally as good looking as Hamish. Fanfuckingtastic! The smell of the warming incense rushed from beneath my nose and all the fears of insecurity, and my untimely jokes came vomiting out of my mouth, like a morning toilet visit after a Rogan Josh from a dodgy take away on a night out. They sat down on the couch next to me and we continued the conversation after the introductions. This time I made sure to kiss Anna on the cheek and shake Hamish’s hand in a strong but not so masculine way, he had already won that competition. After the introduction we all put our boots on, mine and Claire’s bought brand new, all the gear no idea, and then we went for a walk. Grounding meditation I walked and talked with Sophie and found her warming demeaner, calming my raging chimp. We all switched turns talking with Leanne and Sophie, Leanne was not what I perceived but most things aren’t, I knew this, but my head chatter had taken over. She was open just like Sophie and exuded a calming demeaner but also capable of engaging in a friendly way, God knows what I expected but it wasn’t that. The fresh air and the quicksand beneath my boots added to the calm. Out of 10, I moved down to an 8.5 which was good enough for me. I took my boots off, placed my socks in them, and we all walked around on the quicksand in bursts of couple groups and alone. I felt the water beneath my feet and the fresh air hit my lungs, there were large houses on the opposite side of the lake that you could make out. Laughter followed when we found out we were walking on quicksand, good laughter, belly laughter. This was called grounding, heard of it before but never thought of it as doing any good for me. It did, it brought out the child in me. After that we had to spread the love holding hands in a circle, never something I would do without 5 pints of beer and three doubles dancing to the Okie Cokie at a 50th . Leanne brought us into a deep breathing exercise whilst holding hands, I was holding Craigs on my Left and Hamishs on my right, slightly uncomfortable because men don’t hold hands. Leanne said ‘pass the love’ whilst we all closed our eyes, Craig squeezed my left hand and Hamish squeezed my right, bit odd I thought. Ignore it, all is fine. Leanne said again pass the love, Another hand squeeze. We then realised Leanne was squeezing Annas hand for each person to squeeze the next person’s hand. The love never returned to Leanne, and we started laughing again. We gave up and walked back to a dryish location to clean our feet off and put our socks and boots on. We returned to the house after a small walk, the incense was powering and the house had a calming presence, my thoughts started to calm, still there, but not as overpowering. We sat in the kitchen, Sophie was the cook, I had been told on the journey there that there was no meat, and I wasn’t keen on vegetables because my diet was made up of fast food, beer and cake mix. We had a chat going deeper into ourselves, I was oversharing, still had my work hat on in part because work was me and I was work. If I wasn’t the working Marc in front of strangers who was I. I even gave Sophie some legal advice on a historical housing issue. After that we ate food, three bean stew, heard of it in some Nigella Lawson recipe but not for me. Strange thing was, it smelled as good as it tasted, we all ate the food and then went into the front room. The room was lit by candlelight with incense burning with the smell of massage oil, Lemon, peppermint, and orange. It was dark outside the large bay window with cushions on it and there were mats on the floor. A powerful track was being played in the background, zen like music with minimal vocals, powerful music you hear that sends tingles through your body. We lay down and proceeded into light meditation with breathing exercises before starting Yoga. Never done it before and not something I would ever have done unless being pushed into it. One pose had us all lay on our back, knees up to our chest circulating our lower spine by rocking in small rotations. I panicked at this point because the bloody beans had already wanted to say hello after I left the kitchen. Leanne trumped and admitted it straight away, brave of her. Picture all of us in unusual positions tightly squeezing our Netherlands holding on to dear life. Belly laughter ensued when Hamish responded to Leanne ‘I didn’t know we was allowed too’. That was that the nervous wreck that I had brought into the room 4 hours before had gone, my perception of reality had shifted, the calm had eased and I started to fall down in a care free way. We chatted and then we all went to bed, I couldn’t get to sleep when I wanted too because I was awake from the food. It felt like I had at least two cans of red bull. I was also calm which was an unusual feeling for me. I eventually drifted off and woke up early, about 5:30 in the morning, being the Dad of the group (I am only seven years older than Hamish) I locked up at night and cleaned up in the morning. Yoga and childhood reflection The day after I sat in the dead of morning looking out of the window whilst picking notes on the guitar. A far scream from my usual Saturday. Claire woke up sick presumed to be from the withdrawal from all the usual commercial crap we consume when we eat. The house started waking up. Hamish could also play the guitar and sing which brought a deeper calm into the now morning presence. Leanne and Sophie arrived with all smiles, and we started Yoga again. I was sweating, this time wanting to do it because of the way it felt the night before. One pose had us with our left leg on our inner right thigh, the right leg straight making a triangle shape and head turned towards the window, arms and hands stretched out to shoulder height. I wasn’t as graceful as Leanne of course, or Anna but I was at peace looking at the water beyond the bay window and beyond the beach. This was peace, deafly calm and still, no chatter in my head just calmness. This is what yoga was, Ill be dammed. I was going deeper into myself; a place I thought I had arrived previously. I remembered it but I couldn’t picture when. Sophie came in and she made a Ginger and something smoothie, wine glasses brought out on tray that she positioned on the floor, we were all sat on the mats. I turned to the time when I had eaten a curry with Ginger in it and was sick all night. I don’t like Ginger, never have, but I didn’t want to be rude. So, I sipped it, and got a taste for it, I couldn’t work out whether I was being polite or whether I enjoyed it. I carried on and drank another glass. Yeah, I liked it. Claire came back down for the second time and stayed when we started the inner child reflective meditation. I am not going too much into this because this is very personal to me. I don’t cry, I am strong in times of struggle, resilient on the outside but breaking down on the inside. We had a picture of ourselves in front of us. My childhood wasn’t a particular great childhood but at that point I learnt two things about myself.  I sought approval from everybody else and I never thought I was good enough. I was an imposter in my own vessel. The tears came flooding and I couldn’t control them, I was in a group, half strangers and I couldn’t control them. I felt no shame, just understanding and love for myself and a deep appreciation for Claire. I saw her inner child and felt an enormous sense of deep respect, love, and longing to protect her and my inner child. In that moment my inner child, separate to my adult child, met Claires child and they hung out together on the swings smelling the sweet freshly cut grass, licking ice-cream off the cone. This was a breakthrough for me. I realised that my inner child was me and I wasn’t leaving him alone to fend for himself. I made the two as one. Breathwork The room was set up, again with the smell of oils and incense. A new woman came into the front room and started to instruct us all what to do. This woman was edgy in a positive way, she instructed us to breathe short sharp busts of breath continuously through our mouth, going in as deep as we could and then out as fast as we could, the deeper and faster the breath the better. We lay down on our backs in a semi-circle and started. All of us gave it 100%, you could hear the breaths in the room but couldn’t see because of the snug fit of the eye mask. I felt a shiver come over me, a feeling of needing sugar whilst having hot sweats. I was drifting in and out of consciousness and I wasn’t even high but I felt high, like the first time taking something you shouldn’t have. Then it was over, we took off our masks and I asked Elle, the instructor, how long was it because I had no perception of time. Elle said it was 58 minutes, it felt like 20 minutes, tops. At this point I was shattered and so content. I stared at the room in a confused state. Sound bath Laura, a new person to the group arrived after the breathwork with bowls, sticks and drums. I thought a sound bath consisted of us sitting in a bath with music playing, I just couldn’t figure out where the bloody bath was because there was only one bath in the house. I was perplexed, moved and deep into self-awareness. Leeanne, Sophie, Elle, and three couples lay in a circle on our backs facing the ceiling with our heads towards the instruments. Laura then started. I then immediately fell asleep, and I woke myself up snoring to the sound of the deepest vibration coursing through me. The feeling was profound, strange, and usual. The last time I felt like that was at a Hanz Zimmer and John Williams orchestra. It was powerful. Elle, who did the breathwork was really into it and it later gave us a funny distraction to talk about whilst I tried to understand what the Hell had happened. Sleeping is difficult for me, I have never been able to sleep in the day especially in a public place, so when I woke from snoring I was amazed that I had gone straight to sleep. Sophie cooked us all food and the group was joined by strangers from the outside world, all connected for Leanne’s birthday, in a way a tribe would sit with each other around a fire. We sat on our knees with a curry that Sophie had cooked. I couldn’t get enough and went back for more, this being the same food I had ran away from my entire life. We talked calmly, played the guitar some right notes and some wrong ones,m it didn’t matter. The room was filled with a calming presence. Then we went to bed. Sleep, calm, peaceful and rested. Sunday – Receive Me and Claire did our own yoga before everyone got up. Never would I imagine doing this. Leeanne and Sophie arrived, and we started Yoga again and I was hungry for it. We ate through the day and I had accepted every part of myself as I was, no mask, just me, we talked into deep connection, reflected upon ourselves and had theorised why we felt such pain towards ourselves and why we couldn’t move forward with purpose and love. We each had a massage in the room next to the main room, a spiritual massage sending positive affirmations and belief in our abilities to manifest all what we desire. Might sound mad to the reader but that too gave me a sense of respect for myself and this that had impacted me in a negative way. Sunday night; the day passed by quickly and before you I knew it we were deciding whether we should go to the pub. I think I sowed the seed when I arrived by softening my insecurities with a joke about the pub. With that thought in mind we went out to the local pub, shouldn’t have really because the weekend turned into a detox both in body, with Sophie’s knowledge in nutrition and mind with Leanne’s teachings. What if Sophie and Leanne see us we said. Turned out Leanne and Sophie were in the car outside, they spotted us and shouted out of the car, we all laughed and walked into the pub. They were like two people I had known for ages, very comfortable to be around. Last day We were rested, I was so peaceful. Normally on a Monday I would be thinking about work, checking my emails at 5:00 AM in the morning, brushing my teeth at the same time every morning. Leaving for work at the hour every day. I made a conscious effort to not check my emails that day. It was too important to me to relax, spend time with Claire, not in person but in presence, a sense of spiritual connection we shared over the weekend. I have shortened the narrative of the weekend, there were plenty of other meaningful activities we all shared but this blog would turn into a story, it might do one day when I reach my ultimate peace. We started with breathing exercises and then went into a deep meditation; this was the first time I can actually say that I went into that meditation. A story was told by Leanne with a beautiful soundtrack in the back. I was conscious because I was crying again. We came out of it and jiggled around and danced around the room like children. We stood in the circle, fears relieved, anxiety non-existent and Leanne passed the metaphorical love. The hands were squeezed, and it went straight back to Leanne. Healed, happy and excited for life. A long walk pursued, up the waterfalls, a small distance away from the retreat. A cold plunge in the water beneath the shower. We all got in and held hands and stayed. I stayed behind for a short time. Time to myself, time to be thankful. I stared at the waterfall, felt the cold mist on my face, body under freezing water. A cleansing of the soul, body, and mind. After we got dressed, we continued the walk, meandering through trees, over bridges and into vast open spaces. We even had a takeaway at the end. I was dying to see what Sophie was eating, I think she had a wrap, an awkward joke nearly followed but it didn’t, my mind was quiet. We said our goodbyes and we got in the car. I checked my pulse, 61 beats per minute. Thank you I wasn’t asked to write this, but I felt an overwhelming force to do it. The couples retreat, forced me into high spiritual frequency, connected with virtues and respect for myself, Claire, and the friends around me. My head was a mess, distracted with the everyday stresses. I found myself a beacon of light. I am two and a half days from the retreat, I have had two ice baths, good food and laughter, work has been limited to no more than three hours a day this week and I am still ahead. Happiness is within not on the outside. The retreat changed my perception in the way I look at things. Surrendering to the unknown. It takes mindfulness and virtue to come to live a fortunate human life. Leanne and Sophie did this to me, being me is good enough. Thank you to Claire, Sophie, Leanne, Craig and Charlotte, Hamish and Anna and Johnny and Jack (they had the cameras at the end). My house is filled with incense and I continue this journey of discovery with Claire and any one that wants to live a more meaningful life. The childhood picture of me and Claire now remain in the small pocket of my guitar case, protected by my guitar. All my love, thank you.